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**Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the internet.
**Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
**Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
**Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
**Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
**Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
**Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
**Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
**Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
**Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
**Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
**Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
**Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 AM.
**Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at anyopportunity.
**Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.
**Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
**Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that house plants are not meat.
**Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash.
That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man,
but it would deteriorate the cat.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast
- Unknown
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
- Anonymous
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Jeff Valdez
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
- English proverb
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
One cat just leads to another.
- Ernest Hemingway
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
- Joseph Wood Krutch
I have studied human philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
- Hippolyte Taine
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
- Albert Schweitzer
The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.
- Ernest Menaul
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- Unknown
Time spent with cats is never wasted.
- Colette
You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.
- Colonial American proverb
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want
- Anon
LIFE:
Life is hard. Soften yours with a cat.
An ordinary cat can make an ordinary life extraordinary.
OWNING A CAT:
Companionship is right under your feet when you own a cat.
Cats are so simple. They need no instructions---just food, litter, and love.
Owning a cat is like reading a good novel--just when you think you know the main character, she'll surprise you on the very next page.
WARM AND SNUGGLY:
Cats are like your favorite robe--soft, warm, and fuzzy.
It warms my heart when I come in from the cold and my cat meets me at the door.
On a cold winter night a furry, purry heating pad comes in handy.
CATNAPS:
A sleeping cat is a good excuse not to make the bed.
Sometimes your cat wakes you in the middle of the night. But remember you also wake her in the middle of the day.
CHASING THE BLUES AWAY:
Cats fill the empty spaces in your heart.
Blessed are those who love cats, for they shall never be lonely.
When the cares of the world weigh you down, a little cat can pick you up.
KITTENS:
The enthusiasm of a kitten is contagious.
When you're alone with your kitten, you don't have to act your age.
Miracles in velvet mittens; tumbled here, a pile of kittens.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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